The sapiens’ urge to try to make others happy and be regarded positively is quite natural. It is satisfactory and fulfilling to be a factor in someone’s happiness. This trait is a delight to the eyes, especially when seen in fulfilling the undiscussed contract of looking out for others.
However, on a very deep level, there’s a category of persons who dive into this desire to please others. They tend to put others’ needs over theirs, take responsibility for others’ emotions and feelings and try at the expense of their health or life, to make others happy. People-pleasing can sometimes appear as servitude.
But it is more than just a habit of overdoing things, it is an addiction in disguise, a disease, and it is referred to as the “Disease of people-pleasing”.
People-pleasing may not sound like a bad thing. Probably because to be the hero or solution to someone’s needs will require you to get out of your own way and even make great sacrifices for the latter’s glory, right? Yeah, right!
But what separates “people-pleasing” from “compassion” is the end goal. It is in human nature, to want to be liked. People-pleasing however, is in pursuit of gaining people’s approval, acceptance or validation about themselves from the people we tend to please, rather than the latter which is doing good and showing care without expecting anything in return.
Indicators that you’re a people-pleaser are, you are always preoccupied about what people will think, you have a time saying “NO”, you are always complaining about being overly busy, you often avoid conflict and difficult decisions, and are often overly sensitive to criticism.
People-pleasers have a deep desire to meet the expectations of everybody in order to render them likeable. Likes have been turned into a noun rather than a verb. Social media has also not really been helpful with the real practice of the behaviour or act of liking.
Why Is People-Pleasing Detrimental?
The subject in question is detrimental to both parties(the people-pleaser & the people pleased) because none of them makes decisions based on a true conviction for what they believe is right.
People-pleasing comes from an underlying emotion of fear, which is weak. People-pleasing is inconsistent and most often hypocritical.
The idea of pleasing people becomes the seed that creates anxiety of having to make sure the people you love are happy with everything you do, forcing one to suppress their worth and compromise in the face of conflicting values, especially as influence increases.
People-pleasing has been highly associated with persons with insecurities, and lacking self-esteem, self-worth and self-respect, it is for these potholes they tend to seek validation from others.
Categories Of People-Pleasers
- The Responsible One
This group are fond of taking full responsibility for others’ emotions and feelings even if they are not in any way related to their lives or their decision outcomes. They take into account the people around them before making big life decisions.
- The Conflict avoiders
To an ultimate people-pleaser, conflict is automatically assumed to mean anger which consequently means unhappiness. They would rather prefer to stay on an island just so they do not have to stand in the face of conflict or disagreement.
In trying to avoid conflict at all cost, they are unable to express themselves, they rather agree to whatever is said even if they have a different opinion. They tend to be indecisive and cower away while others make the decisions for them.
They are apologetic about literally everything, even if they are not at fault.
- The Mirrors
Mirrors are the ones who always try to be the exact reflection of a person or group. They believe the best way to make people happy is to adjust or try to resemble them in order to fit in and be accepted by them.
Breaking Free From People-Pleasing
The change from being an ultimate people-pleaser into an anti-people-pleaser is drastic as compared to stepping down to the level of an average people-pleaser. The goal is to become an anti-people pleaser, and so the emphasis is laid on starting small, “Rome was not built in a day”.
- Know your role:
Identifying the roles you have to play in life goes a long to help prioritise needs. Understand how your role fits into the larger goals and objectives of an organization or family. This can help identify the right opportunities for collaboration and involvement. It also helps to discern which approval really matters.
